I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we can make it through another day - Superchic(k) lyrics "Courage"
I have written and rewritten this post, and left it as a draft for too long. What is my hesitation? My hesitation was being afraid to admit that my depression is not fully conquered.
I want to write posts which encourage those who are depressed or anxious by showing them how Jesus has worked in my life and how I am overcoming my dark side.
But, the last few months have been rough. I have been able to stay fairly stable, but have had a lot of stressful life events....the death of my dearly beloved grandmother, the death of my grandfather, conflicts with my 17-year-old daughter, having my daughter start college (a year early, so wasn't financially prepared), behavior challenges with my son who has now started kindergarten, and the loneliness of marital separation. So...I slipped, started smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol(in moderation); to deal with the stress. I have also felt myself isolating myself...not sharing my problems with Christian friends, because I felt ashamed of slipping. And I realize I had pulled away from actively praying every day.
I am grateful I now have the insight to examine the hows and whys of my "slip", and grateful for the sense to realize I was in danger of a full relapse. When I start doing things which bring me shame, and for which I feel the urge to hide my actions, then I know I am not living completely in the light, nor is the light completely living in me. I am not fully surrendered to God, I am not fully trusting in the healing of Jesus, I am not fully allowing the Spirit to work within me.
So, this post is me humbling myself before God to say, "Help!" It is me realizing I need to hold myself accountable for my actions and need to find a trusted person that I can share with that will help hold me accountable. So, because I have had this realization I have found a Christian support group in which I can share these struggles. And being part of a small support group again is very helpful.
My experience and long struggle with depression has made me aware of how it sneaks into my life, and I'm slowly but surely sinking deeper into it without realization...and then I'm in too deep. Too often, I've slipped blindly into depression, believing I'm OK, and then realizing I am hanging on by my fingernails from the edge of a cliff over a bottomless abyss. "Depression" isolates it victims....it says, "hide at home, don't go out", it says, "don't tell anyone how you feel because you would only be a burden to them", it says, "don't let people get to know you because you are too screwed up", and "don't get close to people because they won't be able to deal with you and they will only hurt you".
The Truth will set you free....face the truth. It may hurt a bit, and it may not be easy, but when you live in Truth you can overcome the lies of depression, anxiety, or addiction. And the truth is, nobody is righteous, nobody is without sin, so we should not condemn ourselves for being depressed. Everyone has problems. Yes, a lot of people try to keep the skeletons in the closet, keep their problems private and secret. But, when you connect with other imperfect people...and can share the truth with love and compassion, it is healing!
True Christian community should be like a lifeboat...make room on the lifeboat for me! We have to love each other and hang on to each other for dear life, and share our hope and faith that yes, together, we can make it through another day.
Heavenly Father,
I humbly confess I have stumbled along the way,
I confess I got misdirected and strayed from the path you have set before me,
I don't want to stumble in the dark any longer,
I surrender my life back into your care,
I trust you will light the path before me if only I will choose to follow it,
And I trust that you will lead me into fellowship with sincere, compassionate Christians who will help support and encourage me, and keep me accountable.
I pray this in the name of your son, Jesus.
Thank you, Father, Thank you, Jesus.
Amen.
